The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joyful celebration and togetherness. But for many, it can be a painful reminder of loneliness and the holidays can be an isolating time, especially if you’re spending Christmas day alone.
This isn’t just a matter of feeling sad; it’s a very deep emotional response linked to our primal need for belonging to a tribe. As social creatures you and I are wired for connection, because being part of a tribe increased our chances of survival – offering protection, shared resources, and companionship.
Why Does Being Alone at Christmas Hurt So Much?
If you’re spending Christmas alone, it can trigger feelings of fear, rejection, or isolation. When we feel excluded or isolated, our brain interprets it as a threat.
The Christmas season amplifies these feelings of isolation because it highlights what we perceive as a lack – whether that’s family, friends, or traditions.
Learning about your survival instincts helps you to understand why your brain may interpret being alone as a threat, and how this can activate your fight, flight, or freeze response in the following ways:
Fight: You may feel angry or resentful about being alone, directing your frustration towards yourself or lashing out at others.
Flight: Avoiding thoughts about Christmas, staying hyper-busy by working, endlessly scrolling online, overindulgence or binge-watching TV.
Freeze: You may feel stuck, numb and unable to enjoy even simple pleasures, or engage in anything meaningful. You may sleep a lot and experience overwhelming feelings of sadness or hopelessness.
Understanding this response can help you recognise these emotions as natural, not a personal failure and learning how to deal with it can be empowering.
Practical Tips to Minimise the Pain of Loneliness and Transform the Day
How often do you get to do exactly what you want to? Design your ideal day by giving yourself permission to make Christmas exactly what you want. This might mean:
- Watching your favourite movies, or spending the day indulging in a creative project, like painting, baking, writing, or even doing a spa pamper day at home.
- Splurging on a luxury you wouldn’t normally buy whether that’s a fancy meal, extra treats, or a new item you’ve always wanted.
- Hosting a virtual party by inviting other friends or acquaintances who are alone to an online celebration where you play games, exchange stories, or watch a movie together. Platforms like Meetup often host gatherings for those spending Christmas solo.
- Spending time outdoors can counteract the freeze survival response by helping to ground you. Explore new places, take a stroll in a local park, or simply sit at the seaside and enjoy the fresh air.
- Volunteering can feel fulfilling and it is a great way to connect with others. Many charities and shelters need extra help during the holidays.
What to Avoid
Don’t isolate completely. While it’s okay to enjoy solitude, completely withdrawing can deepen feelings of sadness. Even a short conversation with a friend or neighbour can help.
Avoid comparing yourself to others. Please remember that social media is not reality. The seemingly “perfect” family photos don’t tell the full story. Really limit your screen time.
Be aware of numbing behaviours. Excessive drinking, eating, or binge-watching may feel like a temporary escape, but they can leave you feeling worse in the long run.
Avoid beating yourself up with negative talk. Your worth is immense, and your feelings are valid. Spending Christmas alone doesn’t mean you’re failing at life. Many people share this experience, even if it’s not openly discussed.
Being alone at Christmas isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to define your experience.
I want to reassure you that there are many people spending the day on their own. Maybe through choice (that choice could be that they need to stay away from family for self-preservation), or for many other reasons.
Remember, your value isn’t tied to your current circumstances; you are part of the larger human story, and you are held in the hearts of many more people than you may realise even if it feels hard to see right now.
The warmth of human connection transcends physical presence, and your tribe is out there waiting for you to connect.
By understanding your survival instincts and the emotions behind your loneliness, you can redefine the holiday on your terms and create a day that works for you where you are now.
Wishing you a gentle and kind Christmas. ❤️🎄