“Why Does Touch Feel So Hard When You’ve Been Through Trauma?”
Do you flinch when your partner reaches out to touch you or hug you? Maybe you’ve lost all interest in physical affection.
This is not uncommon if you’ve experienced trauma. You may have noticed that touch – something that is meant to feel loving and comforting – can sometimes feel overwhelming, or even unbearable.
Many women struggle with physical connection after trauma and it can feel confusing, isolating, and even heart breaking.
First, let me reassure you: there is nothing wrong with you and this isn’t about you being broken. What you’re experiencing is a natural response from your nervous system trying to protect you and there’s a biological explanation.
Understanding the Role of Skin and Touch in Trauma
Your skin is your largest sensory organ and it has millions of nerve endings that constantly gather information about the world around you. These nerve endings send signals to your brain, interpreting touch as safe, neutral, or threatening.
Touch, especially from a loved one, can release oxytocin (the “love hormone”), reduce stress, and promote feelings of connection and safety.
But when you’ve experienced trauma, your nervous system often rewires itself to interpret touch differently, sometimes even perceiving it as a threat. This isn’t your fault it’s biology.
Trauma disrupts the autonomic nervous system, particularly the vagus nerve, which plays a key role in helping you to feel calm, safe, and connected. And when this system is dysregulated, it impacts how you relate to touch, affection, and intimacy and this affects your ability to relax and enjoy physical closeness.
Trauma can make your nervous system hypersensitive or shutdown, both of which affect how you experience touch:
In a heightened state (fight-or-flight): Your body is on high alert, scanning for danger and ready to defend itself. Touch might feel irritating, overwhelming, invasive or even painful because your brain interprets it as a potential threat. Physical sensations may feel amplified, making even a gentle touch seem too much.
In a numb, shutdown state (freeze): Your system numbs itself to cope with emotional or physical overwhelm. It slows everything down to conserve energy and avoid further harm. In this state, touch might feel distant or meaningless, as if you’re not really there when someone touches you, leaving you disconnected from your own body and your loved ones.
The Impact on Relationships
When touch becomes challenging, it can create distance in your relationships.
You might feel unable to express love through physical connection, and your partner might misinterpret your response as rejection.
You may feel like you’re letting them down. But this isn’t about a lack of love, it’s about your nervous system trying to keep you safe.
Unfortunately, this can lead to misunderstandings, loneliness, frustration, conflict and tension in your relationship, leaving both of you feeling isolated.
The Inner Critic’s Role
When touch feels unpleasant or intolerable, you might even feel guilty or ashamed about it. And it’s easy for your mind to spiral into self-criticism:
- “Why can’t I just be normal?”
- “I must be broken if I can’t enjoy being close to my partner.”
- “My partner probably thinks I don’t love them anymore.”
- “If I can’t fix this, my relationship will fall apart.”
These thoughts really fuel your feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation, making it even harder to address the root issue.
But here’s the thing: understanding what’s happening in your body can help you take steps toward healing. With Polyvagal therapy, we work together to reset your nervous system so it feels safe again.
By creating a sense of safety in your body, you can enjoy connection and intimacy again in a way that feels right for you.
Practical Ways to Discuss This with Your Partner
Before talking to your partner, take time to reflect on how you feel and what you need. Remind yourself that your responses are not your fault, they’re your nervous system’s way of protecting you.
Choose a calm time to talk when you and your partner are both relaxed and can focus on the conversation. Use “I” statements instead of “you” to express yourself without blaming.
Explain what’s happening in your body by saying something like:
“I’ve been noticing that touch feels different for me lately, especially since [the trauma or stress]. It’s not about you or how I feel about our relationship it’s just how my body is reacting right now.”
“My nervous system is a bit on edge, and it’s making things like touch feel more intense or even uncomfortable. I’m working on it, but I want you to know how much I care about you.”
It’s also good to let them know what is helpful and what feels supportive. For example:
“Gentle touch, like holding hands, feels okay, but hugs can be overwhelming right now.”
“I really appreciate your patience and understanding while I work on feeling safe and relaxed again.”
“Maybe we can find other ways to connect emotionally, like talking or spending time together.”
It’s also helpful to invite your partner to learn with you about trauma and the nervous system. This helps them understand that your responses aren’t personal or permanent.
You Can Heal
You don’t have to live like this. With time and the right tools your nervous system can be recalibrated. Polyvagal therapy works with your body to reset your nervous system out of survival mode and back into a state of safety.
Please know that you are not broken, and you don’t have to go through this alone. If this resonates with you let’s talk, I’d love to support you on your journey toward feeling safe and connected again. Email: carolinekingtherapy@yahoo.com